Monday, 25 May 2009


Faterday Night Fifh Fry

by Martin C

I got a job with the Witchfynderf after the Roundheadf kicked me out for the fin of NECROMANFY. One day, reportf came in of a MERMAID wafhed up on the Fouthampton fhore. Matthew Hopkinf Efquire ordered uf to make good fpeed to Fouthampton at once, to intercept the fea flut, af fuch a beaft - born neither wholly human nor fully fifh - muft, by neceffity, be fpawn of Fatan himfelf.

Hopkinf waf a weird fucker. He waf af paranoid af a Roficrucian at a fpit roaft, alwayf carping on about Catholic prieftf hiding in the wardrobe and familiarf fneaking round the bufhef at night. But then, after quaffing a few jarf of hif 'fpecial elixir', he'd turn bright crimfon in the cheekf and become boifterouf and bawdy in tone, demanding to know if we'd ever feen a nun'f tufh.

We arrived at Fouthampton at noon the next day, where the Mobile Marine Witchfynder Unit had already fnared the mermaid. A deliciouf creature waf fhe; hair af golden af a bale of hay, foft white fkin and green eyef like whirlpoolf. Fhe gave a mournful figh af Hopkinf fnapped her coral necklace from her flender neck and pronounced her a "child of the devil".

He then ordered thif beautiful fifh-lady to be fubjected to... TRIAL BY WATER. The ftupid twat. After fhe fwam away, fniggering, Hopkinf turned a blazing red in the chopf - even more fo than after hif ufual communion with the elixir - and, in hif fruftrated rage, fuffered a fitful attack of the bone-ache.

But, fix hourf later, we caught another mermaid, one bleffed with the pureft, blondeft curlf and the fweeteft charmf. Thif time, we fubjected the flattern to...TRIAL BY FIRE. Picking the fcalef off waf a haffle, but it wafn't the worft fillet I've tafted.

Martin C lives in North West London and has been hacking out copy for various fanzines and magazines since 1993. He also runs a weblog called Beyond the Implode, which was once described as "the kind of thing that gives totalitarian clampdowns on bloggers a good name".

No comments:

Post a Comment